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'...And Finally'

Part 4
 

I moved deeper into the shadows, sank down onto the cool grass under the trees, feeling the tears slipping down my face. For a few minutes I sat and wept in silence. In part they were tears of frustration, and, yes, hurt, but mainly they were tears drawn from the sad, sure knowledge that I was going to loose them all.

In time a faint sound, the brush of cloth on air, warned me I was no longer alone, and I looked up, to see my younger son walking towards me, worry on his face. There was no time to dry my tears, so instead I bent my head, letting my hair fall forward, shielding my face.

Elrohir came and knelt beside me, his face, too, in shadow save for his eyes, glimmering silver in the faint light.

"Don’t let Dan upset you, Ada, he feels terrible about what happened," he said quietly. "He has no idea what he wants to do, he is so afraid he will make the wrong choice, and it makes him lash out. Please don’t be too hard on him when he apologizes."

I had no intention of being hard, as he put it, on the child I had so utterly failed. What had been said had been said. There had been more than a grain of truth in it, too, beyond the crudeness. When he apologized I would need to have words of my own to offer.

This would be a matter between Elladan and myself alone, so I simply nodded. I did not ask Elrohir how he felt. I knew how hard it was for him to seem to be criticizing his brother, even to me.

He was peering at me through the gloom, and suddenly reached out a hand and with the tip of one finger touched the tears still wet on my face. He withdrew his hand and stared at me wordlessly for a moment.

"We made you cry," he said wonderingly. "We made you cry and we didn't even realize-"

"I have not yet sunk low enough to attempt to sway your choice with my tears," I told him, rubbing my hand swiftly across my face. "I have failed you in many things, but you have deserved better of me than that."

He sat back on his heels, staring at me. He looked very young, a thing peculiar to Elrohir, this lightly walking, always laughing male child of mine. He was not laughing now.

"You never cry." he said finally. "Never in all our life, not even when Nana left....."

"I wept bitter tears for your mother," I interrupted him. "Erestor could tell you tales of long nights when I could find no rest, and he, in his kindness, stayed at my side. Please Rohir," I asked softly, "do not think so badly of me as to believe I did not honor your mother’s ordeal with my tears. She was always dear to me."

He stared, considering this, while considering that there could be something as large in my life as my tears that he could have known nothing of.

"We just thought you were really strong," he said finally. "There were your parents and your brother and the ones who raised you. There was the high king and then nana..."

He sat gazing into some distant world closed to me, one arm resting now lightly across my raised knee. After a time of thought he came back to me "And finally there will be Arwen," he said softly. I had nothing to say to this, so I remained silent.

He started to rise, then stopped, looking at me, still seeming almost puzzled.

"Why did you even let us choose?" he asked. "Oh I know you had no choice with Wen - no one ever has," he added a little grimly, "But why us ? Why not just tell us we HAD to come with you?"

" Rohir, don't be ridiculous" I said "How could I do such a thing?"

"I would have" he interrupted me.” I would have said to myself that enough was enough, and I would have refused to accept any more loss and I would have just said that we had a year to sort out our affairs and then we would be sailing"

I smiled at him in the dark. "Child," I said "if I loved you two just a little less, perhaps I would have been tempted .However, despite my confrontation with your brother tonight, I love you both far, far too much to try and force you to something that might in the end leave you unhappy and regretful. I do retain the right to attempt to offer you guidance though. I suppose," I added regretfully, "if I had not brought this same soft heart to your raising this would never have happened..."

"Yes Ada, the code of the Noldor, I know, I know.” he cut in.

I could see the smile.

I had missed very few opportunities to remind them of my own stringent upbringing and to contrast it, in its most favorable light of course, against the way I had raised them I wondered when the last time had been that they had actually taken me seriously on the subject ,

He sank back down to the ground beside me. "You hated every moment of your raising." he said coolly. "When we were born I suspect you took a solemn vow that we would never suffer as you had and you raised us with love and respect and the freedom to decide things for ourselves.”

He put his hand to my cheek and looked at me as Arwen might have,” We never thought to thank you," he said. "We took it as our given right and never even thanked you."

Elrohir …." I tried to interrupt but he shook his head at me.

"We never thanked you, but you are the one who taught Wen to believe in herself and follow her heart's judgment."

"Don't remind me..."

"And, despite what Dan said, because he didn’t always stand up for himself when he should have you know, you showed us that we could do something completely against the flow of our kind, and if it sat right with us it would be right...no matter what the cost might be to you."

He gazed into my face a moment more and then suddenly hugged my, tightly, as he had not done for many, many long centuries, and kissed my cheek, then he rose and stood looking down at me, my son, no elfling now, grown and capable in his own right, a prince, descendant of kings.

"Old one," he said, very tenderly. "Why would I choose to stay here and age and die, while knowing that my poor, ageless father pines helpless and lonely, over the seas? And lonely you will be," he added darkly," for you will no doubt be so miserable that even Glori would be hard pressed to tolerate you. I could hardly reconcile my conscience to that, could I?"

" Oh child!" I said, half laughing now. " Your conscience will reconcile if it must. As will my heart, if it must. Tonight I am tired and sad and readying myself to face taking leave of your sister. In a few days I will be stronger again. The Vala know , I have had more than sufficient practice."

And he shook his head, this son of Celebrian of Lorien, inheritor of her generous, loving nature, something I had seen all his life without knowing it for what it was, her gift to her son, and said quietly and firmly,

"Not this time, Adar. On my given word, you will not have to be reconciled this time. We will not sail at once, but when our sister finally says goodnight to the world, we will come home to you."

"You cannot speak for Elladan..." I began. Rohir’s word was absolute, I would never question it, but he could hardly speak for his brother. He could not make the decision for them both, without discussion, so easily, so impulsively.

His face lit with mischief.

"Don’t be silly, Ada,” he said, laughing. “Of course not. However I am going into the West. My choice is made and my mind is set. Our childhood is past, we know how to deal with gossip and whispers by now, they can be endured. Dan is scarcely going to stay here, grow a beard, and develop kidney stones without the benefit of my company in his misery. He’ll come round. Leave that to me. Rest your heart now.

He flashed me a brilliant smile before turning to stride off through the trees, back to the firelight, and laughter and the less certain, more vulnerable, other half of his heart.

After he left I chose rather to walk in the dark, listening to the soft whispering of the leaves as the trees shared their own personal tale of years, paying little heed to my direction certainly not looking to find others there before me.

I stopped just before I would have tripped over them, to both their and my embarrassment, alerted by the sound of a soft groan. How I had failed to hear what must have preceded it I cannot say, save that I was, honestly, lost in though of what I was going to say when next Elladan and I spoke.

Erestor and Lindir had obviously decided to seek some privacy from the encampment themselves. and their search had taken them to a grassy grove among the trees.

Currently they were engaged in a conversation needing few words, Erestor lay, unclothed, on his back, his always immaculate hair in total disarray, pooling in darkness around his head. From where I stood, frozen , I could partially see his face - his eyes were closed, his mouth pulled into a grimace which could have passed for pain but which was almost certainly intense pleasure.

Lindir sat naked astride him, hands braced against thighs, looking every inch the wood elf he was, his hair a silver cloud swaying back and forth with the motion of his body, as he rose up, drove down in a hard, demanding rhythm. Erestor was gripping his shoulder tightly with one hand, his other was busy stroking his lover towards completion.

There are times when it is nothing more than plain courtesy to return along your path as quickly and as quietly as possible and this was surely one such, but I stood motionless for long moments watching them , not motivated by any vestige of lust, simply entranced by the sight of such utterly primal, uninhibited beauty.

They were both so near the edge they can have had no idea that anyone else was present. I think I might have walked right past and gone unnoticed. As it was, I roused myself and left, moving back the way I had come until I reached a point which anyone coming from the camp would have to first pass. Here I settled myself down comfortably against a tree and waited, guarding their privacy from other prying eyes.

It was quiet and pleasant, alone under the trees, a place well suited to an elf. I could hear the sounds of the camp clearly carried through the dark and elsewhere, on the edge of my hearing I could hear the concluding sounds of intense pleasure. I found myself smiling.

Eventually I heard soft movements and withdrew into shadow. The lovers passed me, unseeing, hand in hand, Lindir with his hair tidied and looking as though he had had nothing on his mind other than a brief evening stroll, and Erestor with his clothing slightly disheveled and a few twigs and leaves to be spotted in his night black hair.

They paused for a moment while still within my sight to steal a long kiss, Erestor wrapping a hand in the soft looking fair hair. When they drew apart Lindir touched his face with aching tenderness, looking into his eyes and then, laughing, teased him about having lived in cities so long that he had forgotten how to be a true elf, while he quickly plucked the clues to their coupling from the still tangled hair.

Then they moved on towards the camp and left me alone to my thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~

Of all the pleasures of my long life, one of the greatest has always been the time I have been able to spend in company with my children.

The hills around Edoras are, for the most part, scrub covered and open to the elements, but there are areas that sustain scanty tree coverage, and one place which could possibly be called a wood. It was to this area that we directed our steps, walking with no haste in the early afternoon sunlight, taking time to look around us, commenting on the town clinging to the slopes of the hill, on the late blooming flowers, the unseasonable warmth this close to winter.

Once within the tree cover, we followed the natural flow of the land, seeking and finally finding a place to rest. Rest was something we both needed, neither of us able any longer to lay claim to elven endurance. I was weakened by the loss of the strength that had sustained me for an age, she by her choice.

I sank down, my back to a tree trunk, one leg drawn up, arms clasped round the knee. Arwen curled onto a fallen branch, her legs drawn beneath her, and turned to watch me, searching for words.

Something tired and hurt within me clenched. I would not make this any easier for her, would not share the burden until I must .I had spent my energies and a large part of my empathy on Glorfindel and Elladan, while Arwen and I had been through most of this before, and I had very little left to give. I sat silent and waited.

"When will you sail?"

She was always a straight forward child. My sons would lead in to a thing with care, feeling the ground, but not her. Very much Celeborn's grandchild, this one, for he too spoke as he saw a thing and had no use for discretion. How the inner workings of that marriage ran had always mystified me.

I sighed. "Within the year," I told her, leaning my head back against the bark. "Probably around the turn of next year, we must still decide. There is still so much to do..."

She was looking down, playing with a twig, a stillness about her. "I had thought - you will not have time to visit us again before you leave then, will you?"

She looked up, meeting my glance, the wide blue eye she had inherited from her mother, troubled. I shook my head.

"Daughter, no. Not only will there be no time, but I very much doubt I will have the energy for such a journey a year from now. Guardianship of Vilya drained me perhaps more than you realize, I grow more weary by the day, as does your grandmother. Very soon our choices will come down to leaving or fading. I do not wish to wait that long, or to do anything to hasten that point. A long journey a half year from now may well do so."

She thought on this for a moment. "Perhaps we could come to you before you leave?"

I shook my head. She had to understand and accept and there was no more time to explain it gently.

"Child, it would be impossible for you husband to leave his duties and travel so far north so soon. The war may be ended but the work is still all to do. And," forestalling the words I saw forming on her lips, "no, you cannot come alone. It will still be far too dangerous, neither of us, I can assure you, will allow it."

"But then I won't see you again before you leave. I won't..." she stared at me, her face open and hurting, her eyes clouding with something like fear.

"I will never see you again!" she whispered. "Never again after tomorrow."

I simply looked at her. I had no words to give her. This was one of the things she had known without understanding when she made her choice, one of the things I had tried to protect her from.

It was now far too late to call back that choice, even should she wish it. We are Luthien's descendants and, like our foremother, eventually we all have to pay the price for our actions.

I watched her face as the emotions chased each other behind her eyes.

" Arwen." I said finally "We have said all this already. We have argued it, I have forbidden, begged, threatened, and you have, despite this, chosen as you have chosen."

She looked stricken, waiting for more harshness, more dire predictions from me, but the time for these was now well past. This was my daughter whom I loved with a full heart. I saw, clearly, that all I had left to give her was kindness.

I held out my arms to her and -as she had when a small elfling- she came into them, her head under my chin, curled against me, trusting me to help heal the hurts, one last time. I wrapped my arms around her, held her tightly against me, and breathed in the scent of her hair, listened to the sound of her breathing and locked her, for all time, in my heart.

She did not cry and, to my surprise, neither did I, we simply sat together for a long time in silence, aware of one another and the soft, small-animal sounds around us. I was right, it was all long since spoken.

Finally I shifted slightly, made myself more comfortable against the tree. "You know," I said, stroking the soft, dark hair, so like mine though softer in texture, harder to tame. "I have a million things I think I should tell you."

She moved her head to my shoulder, looked up in enquiry.

I smiled at her, patted her head lightly. "I want to fill your head with all the advice I will not be here to give you later, all the things I will wake in the night thinking 'I should have told her about that, or this', everything I most probably would have left you to sort out for yourself anyway, had I been here at the time."

"What things, Ada?" she asked, returning the smile, moving to make herself comfortable too, for all the world as though we were about to spend the next few hours in this unlikely little wood.

I leaned my head back, looked up at the light slanting down through the leaves, looking at the sky. "Oh, handling the adjustments of living in Gondor, being a queen, remaking a court diminished by war and Denethor, the difficulties of cleaning up and rebuilding after a war -"

She burst out laughing, sitting up and pushing me gently. " Ada, I can learn as I go along. Really, you are all wise and all knowing about many things, but, in these matters, you are as much a novice as I. And you are right," she smiled wickedly "If I were able to come to you for advice you probably would have told me to sort it out myself. “

I shook my head at her. "Child, it is the way of the young to forget their parents ever had lives before they arrived on the scene."

She frowned, puzzled.

"I had a few thousand years' experience of court life at Lindon, long before you were even thought of, I have fought in larger battles, I have seen and had to deal with the aftermath of war's end - unemployed orcs and mercenaries needing to be dealt with on an on-going basis for years. And I have lived in close enough proximity to men to know more than a little of their ways which you must admit can be a little mystifying at times."

She pulled a wry face and nodded. Some adjustments, I could imagine, had been easier than others.

I paused, not certain how far to go, but she was no longer an elfling.

"I admit that, like you, I have never been a queen," she giggled at this, and I smiled and touched her cheek lightly "but my relationship with Ereinion was such that he trusted me to make certain social decisions for him, to take responsibility for the day to day running of our lives. His Chief of Household reported to me, not him. I know how these things are done because I have had to do them."

She thought this through, examining the meaning under the words. It is never easy to think of your parents doing things that you will yourself go to immense trouble to be able to do with the one who holds your heart, or, at worst, your lustful interest.

None of my children will ever refer directly to the physical aspect of my relationship with Glorfindel, although, were they to needs seek him in the middle of the night, as my sons have had to do on more than one occasion they would know where to find him.

"I was never sure about that," she said slowly. "You and Gil- galad I mean." She looked down at her fingers, flexed them, looked up at me with a touch of uncertainty. "I have heard enough stories that implied you were - well - more than simply cousins and friends, king and herald, but of course no one ever came out and said it where I could hear it."

I burst out laughing. "I should hope not!" I said. "Your father's old love affairs could hardly be termed suitable topics for conversation and, worse still, Ereinion and I were the scandal of an age.”

She joined me in laughing at the thought and the pain caught me unawares and unlooked for - after tomorrow I would never hear her laughter again, a sound which had been as much a part of my life as the sound of my own breathing since her infancy.

I looked away quickly, to hide my discomfort from her. The business of this afternoon was to store up memories, and, if it was within my power, I wished for the ones she took away with her to be warm and tender.

She hesitated, but we had crossed a line so she continued. ""Was it something known openly then, Ada, like you and Glorfindel"

I raised my eyebrows, "I always thought Glori and I were quite discreet." I suggested.

She giggled again and suddenly leaned in and hugged me. I kept my arms loosely around her.

"Adar, no one seeing you in the same room could doubt it, you fit together too well. Anyway he watches you with his heart in his eyes." She became serious again. "Was it like that?"

I thought back to another time and place, to light, sparkling eyes, very long, dark hair, strong arms and a laugh that made all right with the world. A personality that filled a room and a blazing, unquenchable spirit.

I remembered making love in secluded corners, in a closet, in a stable, hidden, shivering and laughing, in long, wet grass. I could almost taste his mouth, feel his lips moving over my body, the strength of him, the demanding, hungry way he would all but devour me ..

I shook my head. These were things one did not think too long on during a conversation with one's daughter. Most unsuitable.

I turned my mind instead to memories of disapproval and dissembling, the plots, lies and deception, all of which we had defied in the name of something we thought greater than dynastic needs, greater than the need for him to wed, produce heirs, things he refused to do for love of me, things he should have done for love of us all.. Our hearts had been so young.

I remembered being young.

I had left my taste for defiance and adventure, along with my youth, on the slopes of Orodruin. My memories, however, were still my own, and they were forever.

I looked down at this child who was most like me, who had always understood my heart when I cared to share it with her, who knew me as no one had done since my brother's loss. I now understood the thing I had tried so hard to shut out of my thoughts for as long as I had realized that she loved Estel.

I took a breath, and gave her all I had left, the truth.

"No, daughter, it wasn't the same at all." I said softly, part of my mind still walking back in those days, still hearing his rich voice, smelling the scent of rosemary and pine that was so much a part of him. I held her eyes with mine

"He was my first love, Arwen. There is never another like it. I would willing have given up everything I had for Ereinion."

She put her hand to my face and looked deep into my eyes and I saw and understood her questions.

“I cared deeply about your mother, though we were never a love match as you know well .We built something based on honesty and friendship. When we came together I was still mourning my lover's death, and she respected my pain. Later she gave me you and your brothers. I will never cease to honor her for that." I smiled at her, putting my hand to her hair again. "There are things other than a deathless love that can bind people together in real contentment."

"And Glorfindel?" she asked quietly.

I closed my eyes for a minute, moving back from the memories.

"I love Glorfindel," I said. "It isn't the overwhelming, burning passion of a first love. It is a deeper thing, richer, sounder. He completes me. I am a different person to the young one who danced, and dreamed and loved in Lindon. Were I to meet Ereinion again, returned as Glori was, it would not be as it was, I am too different now, I believe we could be close friends, but no more."

I thought of something and laughed. "I would be so much older than him, for a start. We would never recover from that."

It was her turn to look up at the sky. Her face grew still, sad. "It grows late, Ada." she said. "There is that grand, farewell dinner planned for tonight. We cannot be late -"

"And you will need at least two hours to prepare yourself for it." I teased her, rising to my feet and drawing her up with me. We stood looking into one another's eyes. She was tall, almost as tall as her brothers. Celebrian had been a tiny, delicate creature, all spun silver hair and blue eyes, which belied the fact that she could swear like a horse trader and out drink Erestor. In that way she was all her mother's child. We had been dear friends, how could we not? I have never ceased to feel her loss.

She stood with her hands on my chest, looking up at me, still not totally satisfied, putting the information in order in her mind.

"So, even though the king was your first love, Glorfindel is your last one?" she asked, speaking slowly.

I nodded. There would certainly be no one after him. In Valinor there would be nothing to part us, certainly not Celebrian who, if healed, would still never dream to come between us. I refused to reconsider Gil- galad, refused to entertain something that could be no more than a dark shadow in Glorifindel's heart.

"So, what were you trying to tell me? That if I had sailed with you, eventually my heart would have healed and perhaps I would have met some one else and known a greater, deeper love? Is that what you truly believe?"

I could lie, or not. There was no third choice and suddenly I was glad that she had asked it, glad that just once in my life I could say it.

"Daughter, I have no way to tell you now what might have been." I said quietly, watching her face, memorizing the curves and planes, the tints of her satiny skin. "All I have to offer you is this. Remember I told you that I would have given up everything I had for Gil- galad?"

She nodded, studying me in much the same way as I was her. Ah well, we would both need the memories after all, not just me.

"I lived after he died, because he had made me promise that, no matter what happened, I would remain here until the end. That promise, and Erestor following me around like a second shadow, making sure I ate and took some rest, were the only things that kept me from joining him.”

Her eyes, were shocked, concerned. She had always known me as strong, able to overcome pain and sorrow through force of will. The aching, angry, desperate elf who had survived Barad-dur and walked away from a crown, who had fled back to the relative isolation of Imladris as soon as he was able, was some one that, fortunately, she had never met. I took her hands in mine.

" I would have given up everything I had to be with him again, Arwen." I said. "Everything, without a backward glance, including my immortality and the Undying Lands. I think this is why I fought so hard to change your mind, daughter. Not because I did not understand how deeply you loved Estel and to what lengths you would be prepared to go, but more likely because I did."

The tears came then, to her and to me and we stood a long time, under the trees, holding one another close, while the late afternoon sun slanted now low through the trees, sparkling off the soft wisps of dark hair moving under my stroking hand. I pressed her face into my shoulder and held her tightly, my cheek against her hair, shutting out the woodland sounds and sights, holding her to me, feeling every line of her, one long, last, aching time.

~*~*~*~*~

I left her to ready herself for the evening's entertainment, and took myself for a walk, my mind calm and empty.

I saw a glint of yellow gold, a bowed head. and I walked slowly up the path to Glorfindel. He raised his head and looked gravely at me, marking my face, my posture and whatever other signs he uses to determine my wellbeing, or lack thereof. He had obviously been waiting for me to return , He did not smile. Anyone else would have smiled, but his empathy is great, his heart, by instinct, knows mine, and he knew that I had no place at that moment for smiles.

He looked , possibly, even more tired than I felt.

This legend of the battlefield, this being of song and saga, this gentle elf with his deep, wondering love for all living things, has spent most of his time here devoted to war or the preparations for war.

He has walked the lands of middle earth for the span of two lifetimes now, even as we reckon time he is old. Tired out by what Galadriel so rightly has termed fighting the long defeat, he is more than ready to leave. The adventure paled for him many a long century ago.

I have no idea how long he has remained purely for my sake, and for the sake of my promise to Gil- galad, my promise to my former lover, binding him as surely as if he had uttered the words himself.

It was right that I should honor our love, keep him close beside me, give him what words and reassurances I could until the time came, soon now, within the next year, when he would finally see for himself that no matter what may have gone before, nothing would ever part us.

He was toying with a hawk’s feather which he displayed to me, giving me that smile that started behind his deep blue eyes before spreading to lighten his whole face.

”It’s the colour of your hair. That’s been my tale of the last few thousand years, you know. So many things put me in mind of you. Of all the things about being returned to life that I have taken the most joy from, loving you has always been the greatest."

He smiled into my eyes, stroking the feather playfully across my cheek.

"Even when you were wed to Celebrian and had no idea how I felt and I thought I would never be able to tell you, I still loved loving you. It gives an extra layer to everything I see, everything I do. I think of you and my world is a good place to live in."

I have never, ever, come even close to being worthy of him.

He lowered the feather and, eyes locked to mine, he said gently, “Heart of my heart, joy of my soul, I have been walking in the sun and thinking of your pain. I know you cannot stay longer. I, however, can."

I started to say something and he shook his head at me, making a stilling motion with his hand.

"I love and trust you and I have put away my fear. I will stay here with Arwen and Estel until their time has passed. I will kiss your grandchildren for you, and share my memories of you with them, and at the end I will cross the sea with your sons, and bring you the tale of their years.”

He touched his fingers to my lips, then took my arm lightly and in silence we walked along the path to the hall together.

No more words were uttered, I have known him long enough to know that when he has decided something, argument is futile. With a lot less noise and fuss, Glorfindel can be every bit as stubborn as I.

As we walked, I thought of my talk with Arwen, and of the freshness of my memories of Gil- galad. Alongside that I considered this immense gift Glori was placing in my hands.

He knew my heart so well that there was a fair chance he had been right. Perhaps if Ereinion and I were ever somehow to meet again , it would be as though no time had ever elapsed, the fire and the soul shattering magic still intact, and when I arrived in Valinor, Glori would still be here, watching over my daughter, guiding her, being her advisor and store of wisdom in my stead.

I thought of all the other gifts I had received from him down the centuries - gifts of friendship and loyalty and patience and an absolute, unconditional love Somehow, between one step and the next, and after over three thousand years, I finally understood something Celebrian had told me so often in the course of our marriage. It was time to let the past go and to move on.

I looked at Glorfindel walking beside me, his hair like fire in the sunlight, his strength and love an almost tangible thing.

He turned and raised an enquiring brow when he found me watching him. I looked into the clear blue eyes of my future and perhaps for the first time in my life I felt at peace.

~*~*~*~*~

Finis

~*~*~*~*~